As christmas celebrations are drawing to a close I am beginning to think about my hopes and aspirations for the coming year but I am unsure which way to face.
Today I have been mulling over the possibilities. My application for Cley 14 failed, which, oddly, felt right. Funny that rejection can be a relief sometimes. I am still interested in making a body of work that relates to that stretch of coast but I am glad to be able to do it in my own time without the constraints of a brief. I think that after five years in intensive education it will be quite heavenly to soften and release into making. To offer my creativity space and freedom to grow, where and how it will, for a little while, unhindered by external moderation.
Taking time to pause, take breath, be quiet is not really a very great part of everyday english culture. We are taught from quite young to be competitive and ambitious, or else be worthless, well least ways it seems that way. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why it is important to be the best, to have more, be more commended, it doesn't seem to foster contentment, rather the opposite in fact.
I find myself longing for a hideaway where I can watch the small things happening, where I can gather berries and leaves for dyeing, and stitch and fiddle, and read and write. Perhaps this is my next great dream upon which I need to embark. Perhaps my next step is to let go, to relinquish the "I should"s and start out the new year with the gentle aim of following my true course, using starlight and joy, my heart and spirit, to guide me.
I will admit to being frightened by this pathway. Where will it take me ? It feels like drifting, sometimes, and I am seized by a desire to take hold, to take control, to create a more obvious point of focus than peace, a more easily achievable, quantifiable outcome.
I haven't posted much in my blog of late because I have been contemplating these ideas and not really sure what to say, but today I felt that if I put my thoughts into words on "paper" it might help me to envision my future with more courage and faith.