Here we are in October already and it feels like this year disappeared while i was away. Away where ? No where. At home mostly. Lucky to have a home but home alone is lonely. Sometimes when i am lonely my best cure is deeper solitude, connecting to the place and space i occupy. But the yearning for understanding and witness by another being like me, for exchange of thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams, feels like a trapped flame. Will i ever meet a like companion again ? Has the virus made the lack of such a companion more painful or is it just another environmental circumstance, a convenient excuse for my discontent. Here i am in my life, like a fish in the sea, a bird in the air, a flower in the field, excuse the tired language, but just that, here i am a being in a body within a body like any other living thing and it is life that is the purpose rather than the arbitrary goals i or other people set. My MA fail is a wound that has not healed yet. A flesh wound perhaps but still sore, still hurting. And it is on and on and on with covid and it isn't just the lack of physical liberty that troubles me but that my mind is also feeling trapped. I do not know what to do with these thoughts so i thought i would write them as part of my covid diaries to give them some release and so i have them to look back on later.

Oct 1st 2020

Covid19 diaries - part 3