And then another blog not so much for uni as for me. Long time readers of my blog will remember how broken i was when Jon died. I guess it is relevant to uni because Jon is the seed that i planted at the beginning of my SNU project this term. My need to acknowledge him as a part of my life. To give him place and substance but also to move forward with him in my heart, holding my back but not holding me back. 
A couple of years ago his ex-wife emailed me before my planned trip to see his grave and pay respects to the man i loved/love to say that in the box of possessions his daughter had received after his flat was packed up were some letters of mine that i'd sent him. I couldn't think of any letters i'd sent to him while he was in Gozo, we emailed, it was free and immediate, and so i figured the letters were the half a dozen or thereabouts cards i'd sent him after we reconnected post break up. A get well card sent as we were tentatively reconnecting after his first hospitalisation after collapsing in the street in 2015, birthday and christmas cards, a post card of Southwold, which was one of our places, sent at the beginning of 2016 before or maybe after he was hospitalised again also after collapsing in the street.
I don't know if those cards are in the packet i received but it turns out that the letters were actually seemingly most or all the cards i sent him during our time together. There are many "i love you"s. A few longer notes. A shared diary from our first holiday. A book of not exactly poems and memory things. Stuff i'd figured he'd discarded years before he discarded me. God knows where he kept them while he was in Bungay. We were careful of each other's space and so i guess they were just stashed somewhere i wouldn't look because people need privacy and so closed cupboards were left closed and not pryed into. 
It is amazing to have them. Also heartbreaking. Because i guess his keeping them and taking them with him stands as some testament to our affair. If he had not cared he'd not have kept them would he ? I have felt his care but as i'm here still in the physical world, physical testament has a different quality. Feelings are deep but they are also personal and can be denied by others or in moments of doubt. They make me believe a little more in the love i know i felt. 
It feels weird that his ex-wife kept them for so long. I wonder if i hadn't nudged her this week if she would have ever sent them. I think she regretted not destroying them. I am glad that she didn't. They allow me to feel ok for cherishing his cards and notes and making him part of my this term's SNU project. 
I don't think there is more to say. i have near on a kilo of paperwork now as record of our love affair and i don't know if the smell of them is his or his ex-wifes but they bear his trace and i am thankful for receiving them.