Are my ramblings making sense ? What do I know about anything ? Hitting hard up against my low self esteem today. This place is familiar, an expected part of the process of exhibiting.  I'm making a piece of work about love but what do I know of love ? Do I inspire love in others ? Do others experience me as a loving person ? Am I good enough to talk of love ? 
I am feeling fearful for the work I put up, fearful that my testament to my road through love will not show what I want it to show. I want it to be my vulnerability, my fear, my hope, my pain, my insignificance. I want it to be the effort it takes for me to meet the world with an open and loving heart when feeling not-good-enough is hard-wired into my being, when I anticipate rejection every step of the way. 
I battle with crippling shyness and I am unsure of my worth. I think this isn't really obvious to those I meet on a casual basis but it's a really huge block in me that I have to face-up to daily. There are people with whom I feel loved, my children, my grandchildren, and a handful of close friends, but I do not feel sure of being loved, or even liked, I do not know if I am lovable or likeable though I try to be acceptable. Does this disqualify me from talking about love ? This lack of knowing. Does my desire to love and be loved  make me a cripple amongst those more able, more steady, more secure, more obviously sound and matched in love ? Is my love worthless ? Am I a horrible, horrible person that doesn't deserve to be loved ? 
Forgive me for exposing the thoughts that go through my head. Making this work has been and still is a journey. I want love to be all fluffy bunnies and star shine, hell who doesn't, but it isn't my experience so I am working with what I know. My feeling is that love is a mix of grit and tenderness, that it isn't an easy path but if you get the mix right you may chance upon some times that are beautiful.